Storytelling and Relationships

Life is Made Up of Stories...Storytellers, good storytellers, draw us in.  We want to listen; we care what they think about us.  My brothers Tom and Ray are great storytellers. Julie is a great storyteller.  Philip and Brian are superb storytellers.  Others I have known have similarly captured my attention with their stories.

I am not a good storyteller.  Not sure why, maybe Catholic school or just something in me, but looking back on my growing up with this insight in mind, I think one of my unstated goals/fears as a child was to avoid having stories.  It seemed that stories were associated with being in trouble, at least in my mind.

Stories meant my parents or the principal were paying attention to me, and not on familiar and safe terms (like algebra), but instead asking questions that made me feel defensive and off-guard.  I felt like it was safer to have no stories; everything went well today, nothing to report, no need to worry about me.  This is not the droid you are looking for? 

My failure to learn this skill meant I did not pay attention to the details like a storyteller might.  I did not learn to see relationships beneath the surface as well as I might have or others did.  I get lost in my head, in the moment, and forget a lot of the stories of my own life.  I am very, very good at being 100% present in the moment and that ain’t nothing.

I do not recall consciously deciding to avoid stories and fly below the radar, with only me straight A report cards and no stories as what people noticed about me.  I do think that this is one reason I am not the best storyteller and that I can be too easily put on the defensive because I am not very skilled in rapid fire conversational exchanges. 

My communication skills have improved a lot, and I am pretty good at some things others are usually weaker on, like seeing both (or multiple) sides to a conflict, but I am not usually very good at describing it…at that time…if it is about me.  I can be a skilled observer and listener for themes across stories.  And I have gradually been able to replace frustrated or angry efforts to get my voice out there with more productive, kind, and loving ways of speaking, balanced against listening.

This is not a story about regrets; this is a story about seeing myself more clearly.  I am not a great storyteller and that is likely one reason I have never been great at maintaining the network of relationships that the great storytellers invariably enjoy.

This might also be why I like the story circle project so much and is certainly one reason I feel so fortunate to have found a network of relationships that matter.  I am learning about stories and relationships, and from experience I can now affirm that, in my view, life is made of stories, because life is about relationships and stories are holistic, capturing the multiplicity and overlap and ambiguity of relationships. And I love good storytellers.  I even like to tell stories, though I am not so talented at it and usually rush back to enthusiastic listener role!

While for years I lived as if the opposite was true, and I still can forget it at times, I have come to see the truth in the statement that every conversation is sacred.  Listening to everyone’s stories, living within them, making time for them and me and us is the heart of seizing the day, being in relationships, and it all starts with stories. We study what we need to learn.